How Ulfy Stormdrain Lost His Voice
by MonsieurNonce
Summary: Alduin is a drag queen, Farkas is a caveman, General Tulius is a member of N-Dubz, Pitbull rhymes Kodlak with Kodlak, and the Dragonborn unwittingly prances through Skyrim causing havoc wherever she goes. No nonsense taking-the-piss fic.
1. Unbound

_Unbound_

Her head began to become conscious of itself again. For some reason, she felt that there were strange lights on the back of her eyelids. _Did that say... Bethesda Game Studios? _Finally, she became aware of a snowy scene, and a bumpy cart. She also found herself staring into the eyes of a rugged young Nord fellow, wearing some pretty snazzy armour. _Maybe I'll steal that later... _Her peripheral became dark again, and she swore the word 'presents' became etched into her sight. _The Elder Scrolls... V? SkyWHAT? _"Hey, is anyone else seeing these words? I'm getting a little creeped out here." It was the Nord who answered.  
"Hey, you. You're finally awake."  
"I wish I wasn't. What's even going on?"  
"You were trying to cross the border, right?"  
She looked at him sceptically. "No. I have literally no idea what is going on and why, the last thing I can remember is kicking a Daedra's ass in Oblivion and now I'm like a Level 0 or something." The Nord raised his brow, and did nothing more for the remainder of the journey other than occasionally purse his lips as if considering speech, but then – wisely – deciding against it. _Kinda attractive, though. I wonder if I can marry him? _The thief was the next one to speak, but she didn't pay attention to him; rather to the humongous man opposite him, who for some reason had a bandage around his mouth. "Hey, hey, why have you got a bandage on your mouth?"  
"GABRLBRGRBL!"  
"Oh, you have stomach cramps? I get them too, once a month, and then something really weird comes out of my-"  
"GBRLRLRLGRBL!"  
"Shut up back there!" The Imperial guard sounded slightly disgusted at the turn the conversation had suddenly taken. _How bloody rude. _

As the thief and the Nord continued their conversation, she became aware of a gate which was slowly opening to allow the prisoners entrance. A sweet, modest village lay ahead. _Shut up Ralof, I'm trying to take in the pretty graphics I really don't care about the grape man who touched you as a boy. You look a bit like Chris Hemsworth. _Her train of thought was broken by the cart coming to an abrupt halt, and she filed out onto the cobblestones with the others, while Lokir babbled more cowardly nonsense. The General called the name of the bound man, and he was revealed as Ulfric Stormcloak, the Jarl of Windhelm. _Where on Earth is Windhelm? Sounds like an awful place. And what was his name, Ulfy Stormdrain? Cool. _Ralof's name was called next, and then Lokir, who yelled even more about his innocence. Then, without much warning, he actually attempted to escape. _GO ON LOKIR I AM ROOTING FOR YO- oh, wait. Nevermind. Rest in peace I guess. _She was called next. "Who are you?" _I don't know yet let me create my character, give me like 2 hours.  
_

After a great deal of ruckus following a failed attempt to fumble about in her robes for her passport, her identification papers were finally in the guard's hands. "So, you're a Nord, and your name is... Frankie Boyle?" She nodded. "...Uhm. You picked a bad time to come home to Skyrim, kinsman." The captain appeared more on edge than usual, Hadvar's speech impediment beginning to get on her nerves. She urged for the execution to continue. Some guy in a dress began to address Ulfy Stormdrain, saying something along the lines of 'you killed our King with your voice!'. Of course, Frankie Boyle instantly took issue with this. "How can he have shouted the King apart when he can't even talk?"  
"HRRBLRLGHGNR!"  
"What? I think he wants to blow his nose. Maybe you should untie him?" Even the Priestess put her hands on her hips and scowled at this remark. Frankie Boyle was about to add to her statement when a bizarre noise echoed throughout the mountains. "What was that?" was the query of one frightened guard. General Tulisa Off Of N-Dubz rolled his eyes. "It's nothing. Carry on." The next thing Frankie Boyle paid any heed to was the red hair of a Stormcloak soldier rushing past her. _I wish I could get my hair like that. _Just as he placed his head onto the block, she decided to ask the burning question before it was too late. "Hey, do you use Loreal?" The executioner's monstrous axe had already buried itself deep into his neck, however, and the executioner himself answered. "Not anymore he doesn't!" He then proceeded to teabag the head of Stylish Nord. _I hope he doesn't do this every execution, I mean at this rate a dragon could come back. _Frankie Boyle's thought train was again halted. It was her turn. As her name was announced, the echo returned. Louder this time. _Maybe I'm destined to be save-hey, don't kick me! _It sounded again. A roar, now. And all at once, Imperial and Stormcloak alike gaped skyward, at the terrible sight about to swoop down on them. "Hey, is that a slug?"

The executioner threw his axe aside and ran squealing into the commotion that had manifested itself upon the arrival of the slug, and Frankie Boyle was rolled onto her side. Seeing her chance, she forced herself upright with her knees, and followed the crowd. She slammed into Ralof, who pulled her in the direction of a tower. Once inside, Frankie Boyle fell to her knees and coughed violently. _Since when did slugs know how to breathe fire? I should have stayed home. _"Jarl Ulfy!" Ralof yelled, "What is that thing? Could the legends be true?" and Ulfy Stormdrain replied in a calm voice, "Legends don't bu-"  
"Oh my God, Ufly Stormdrain! Your bandage fell off! Let me replace it."  
"HRBLRLRLLLGL!" Ufly gestured to the newly applied bandage with both of his arms, and Ralof struggled to untie it, but gave up once he had found that the knot was impossible to undo.  
"How did you do that? You've just made him incapable of speech for the rest of his life! Oh, whatever. We need to get to the top of the keep. We'll kill you later or something." The group began its ascent through the tower, only to be interrupted by the shattering crash of the walls caving in, as the slug popped his head in. He turned to Frankie Boyle, who braced herself for the end. "Hey. Nice shoes." She looked down at her shoes, which were now on fire, nodded, and said "Oh, thank you. I got them from a prison cart."  
"Really? Do you think they'll have them in my size? I've got a wide foot, it's difficult to find stuff." Ignoring the agonising screaming of the burning Stormcloaks, Frankie Boyle replied, "Well, I think it's one size fits all. You know, so they can fit all prisoners. Just try it, you could always ask the assistant." Before the slug could reply, Ralof sent an arrow into his eye, and as he cried out about his 'brand new false eyelashes', Ralof grasped Frankie Boyle's arm and flung her into the inn below, winding her slightly. "Go! We'll follow when we can!" Glancing up for a moment, she stumbled through the smoke and ash before finding fresh air once again, following the sound of a very familiar speech impediment.

"You made it, prisoner? Stay close," Hadvar advised, bringing his broadsword up to shield his face from falling rubble. Obligingly, Frankie Boyle followed. The slug landed again, and upon seeing him open his mouth, Hadvar and our hero slammed their bodies against the walls of what once was a house, shielding themselves from the flame and another conversation about shoes. _Since when could slugs talk and breathe fire? Mary-Sue slugs. _The duo raced towards wherever the Hell Hadvar was planning on going, dodging slug-fire and dazed archers not knowing where to shoot, mourning their singed eyebrows and moustaches. Ralof crossed Hadvar's path, and Frankie Boyle found herself instantly attached to Ralof's side. _I need that armour. I need that armour. _After some boring conversation which could have potentially given the relationship between Ralof and Hadvar a backstory, Ralof and Frankie Boyle made their way into the main building on Helgen's keep.

The keep itself was a large, circular room adorned with black and red flags sporting a bizarre, yet oddly soothing image. Ralof took a knife from the back of his boot, and swiftly cut the binding around her wrists. "Take Gunjar's gear. He won't be needing it anymore. And no, he doesn't have any of this "Loreal" that you mentioned. He used crimson nirnroot." _Yes yes yes armour armour armour! _Once changed, Frankie Boyle rejoined Ralof, who was attempting to unlock a gate. "Damn, no way to open this from our- wait, it's the Imperials!" The two took cover on either side of the gate, and in turn embedded their newly acquired axes into the backs of both soldiers. She noticed a key hanging from the belt of the Imperial Captain, and an iron dagger. She took these, and also the dagger from the soldier. Ralof looked puzzled. "Daggers?" He shook his head in surrender, and let Frankie Boyle get on with whatever it was that she wished to accomplish. "Unlock the gate, we need to get out of here." She obliged, and the duo was soon on their way. Or at least, they were, until the slug decided to have a tantrum (perhaps the shoes weren't in his size), causing a colossal landslide which missed the team by inches, but by some fortune left the door to their left unscathed. And so, they were on their way again. Or at least, they were, until they reached a storeroom infested with Imperials. After promptly slaying them and stealing their magic juice, they were on their way. Again. Or at least, they were, until they reached a prison cell full of Imperials, Stormcloaks and torturers; hence, not knowing which was which, Frankie Boyle murdered everybody. Soon enough, after picking a lock, the duo were on their way yet again. That is, until – oh, you know what happens. Let's just have a 'gapped narrative', always works.

Some time later...

Cold air stung Frankie Boyle's face as she and Ralof finally reached the cave entrance. He yanked her back by the scruff of her neck as the slug flew by, crying "I broke a naaiiiiill!" as he went. Ralof spun Frankie Boyle to face him. "My sister, Gerdur, runs the mill in Riverwood, just up the road. I'm sure she'd help you out, even though you're a total stranger with no conceivable amount of common sense. I'm off to do Stormcloak stuff now, bye."

And thus, our hero was left alone, staring at the vast expanse of Skyrim.


	2. Before the Storm

_Before the Storm_

Stumbling through the wilderness of Skyrim, wearing a new set of armour she'd 'picked up' from an Arse Bandit, Frankie Boyle found herself outside the tiny village of Riverwood. Strangely, she'd arrived before Ralof, who clapped her on the shoulder. "Come, Gerdur should be working the mill." They approached a fair-haired Nord woman, who, following pleasantries with Ralof, sat the duo down and talked business. "You, could you do us a favour? Go to Whiterun. Warn Jarl Balgruuf-"  
"You're asking her to go to Whiterun? To tell the Jarl about a dragon? She doesn't know right from left! She made Ulfric unable to use his voice! She-"  
"-Is replaceable," Gerdur cut in. She's not exactly Dragonborn or anything. Now, off with you both."

Frankie Boyle decided to take a shortcut over a mountain, encountering a couple of wolves along the way. After reaching the other side, she caught sight of, _hey, is that Gondor? _A walled city with a massive fortress at its peak. As she ran down the hill, she noticed a huge creature pounding the earth with its feet. Being the clever protagonist that she is, Frankie Boyle sprinted towards the scene. Converged around the giant were two women and a man. One woman, Nakedla the Huntress, was filling the creature with bows. The other, Ria, was being useless on the floor. The man, Farkas – _hot a what haabitiah – _was throwing his weight around with a club, yelling "UGG, UGG!" as he landed each blow. Frankie Boyle threw herself in between the giant and Useless Ria, embedding her warhammer into its knee. Who cares if it was already dead? As she went to loot the body, Frankie Boyle was stopped by Nakedla, who said, "You handled yourself well. You could make a decent shield-sister."  
"Does being a shield sister mean I get to work with that guy?" Frankie Boyle pointed to Farkas, who was hitting himself over the head with his club, quietly muttering, "Ugg, ugg," to himself.  
"Yes."  
"I'm in."

Upon finally reaching the gates, Frankie Boyle was stopped by a guard dressed up as an orange. "It's fancy dress day," he said, "What have you come as?" Frankie Boyle examined her clothes quickly, remembering the fact that she'd recently stole them from an Arse Bandit. "I'm an Arse Bandit," she said proudly. "Are you an orange?"  
"No, I'm just a guard. Go in anyway, by the looks of things you're too stupid to get anyone killed." Frankie Boyle shunted the gates open, and was met with Whiterun. Along the cobbled pavements citizens could be clearly seen, walking arm in arm, arguing about a blacksmith order, bartering over the price of a necklace. The roofs of the houses were thatched, the patterns on the windows intricate and beautiful. Whiterun could feel like home to anybody. Except Frankie Boyle. Feeling sickened, she ascended the stone steps, bordered by flowing water, with a promptness that could only emphasise her need to be on the grass again. The casual banter of the guards created a feeling of humming in her ears, as did the constantly flowing stream. However, when she reached the steps of the castle, her attention was brought to a screeching man who appeared to be dressed as a banana. She carried on, musing upon how to kill him, until she reached the castle. Upon entering, Frankie Boyle found herself face to face with a dark elf, with long, red hair. "What's your business here?" She asked, blade drawn.  
"How did you get your hair that colour? Did you use Loreal?"  
"Did I – what? Oh, just go to the Jarl. I'm not in the mood for jesters." The Jarl beckoned Frankie Boyle to come closer.  
"So, you were at Helgen? Did you see the dragon?"  
"No, but I saw a slug."  
"A slug. I see. Irileth, did you let this one in?" Irileth, who was revealed to be the dark elf, bowed.  
"Pardon, my lord, I'll send her out."  
"Do you mean the slug? The one who breathed fire?" Balgruuf and his steward exchanged worried glances. "That wasn't a- well, yes. The slug. Tell us about the slug."  
"Well, he could fly, and talk, and he wanted some new shoes, and I think he wants to start a drag act called Alduina."  
"What? A drag act? Preposterous, we must protect Riverwood! Irileth, dispatch soldiers at once! We must stop the insanity!"


	3. Taking up Arms

_Take up Arms_

Rather than do as she was told and follow the main quest, our hero headed straight to Jorvaskrr, the HQ of The Companions. Avoiding two brawling members and Useless Ria, Frankie Boyle eventually found Kodlak, seated next to a skinnier version of Farkas, whom could actually speak English. Frankie Boyle did not find this attractive at all, as he spoke with an irritating accent, so she ignored him. "Hey, Kodlak –"  
"Here for Farkas?" the weedy Farkas said, with a slight disdain.  
"Yep."  
"Come outside and beat me up, then you can join."

SOME TIME LATER

As weedy Farkas lay crying on the floor after being given a Chinese burn, Frankie Boyle stood triumphant. Weedy Farkas handed our hero his sword, and instructed her to take it to Eorlund Grey-Mane to have it sharpened. She did so, not forgetting to have "Weedy Farkas" inscribed onto both sides first. _HEY A BOOK OH MY GOD SMITHING INCREASED TO NUMBER THIS IS SO COOL! _Eorlund presented Frankie Boyle with a shield to give Nakedla the Huntress. Upon opening the door, however, she found Skjor and Nakedla together. Screaming, Frankie Boyle fled the room, before being yanked back by Nakedla. "We were comparing recipes. Why do you people always try to portray me as some whore? Ugh. Look. Could you handle Weedy Farkas in a real fight?"  
"A fly could handle Weedy Farkas in a real fight."  
"I knew there was something I liked about you," Aela mused. "We'll have Farkas show you to your room. Hey, icebrain! Come show this new blood where the whelps sleep."  
"UGG UGG! Ugg, ugg ugg?"  
"No, I'm an Arse Bandit. I thought I'd already explained this?"  
"UGG UGG UGG!"  
"You're a peanut? You make a good peanut."  
"Ugg ugg."

The journey up the corridor was short, but already a totally not cliché bond was established. Caveman and Dumbass. They went perfectly together.

(Author's note: okay, if some of you haven't realised yet I'm doing this quest by quest. So some chapters are gonna be long as shit, and others are gonna be short as shit. Deal with it)


	4. Bleak Falls Barrow and The Golden Claw

_Bleak Falls Barrow and the Golden Claw_

Life as a fledgling Companion was pleasant. Kill Arse Bandits, get money, spend money, ogle Farkas, beat up Weedy Farkas, go to bed, repeat. However, Frankie Boyle was becoming restless. It had been three days since the Jarl had asked her to 'follow him', and she had a sneaking suspicion that he may be wondering where she is. Following her incredibly intuitive instinct, she returned to Dragonsreach, and found the Jarl in conversation with an odd looking cloaked fellow. "Ah, Farengar, here's the person I've been telling you about over and over again for the past three days!" The Jarl gestured to Frankie Boyle.  
"Ah, yes, the Nord who can head into Bleak Falls Barrow, come back on the verge of death with my stone and then die at my feet, making Skyrim a better place?"  
"Precisely. Frankie Boyle, this is Farengar. I'll leave you two to it." Frankie Boyle perched herself on the desk.  
"Where am I going and what am I fetching? I'm already bored with your bad acting so get on with it." Farengar explained his discovery of an ancient stone tablet, which probably won't help the quest to defeat the slugs in any way, but will probably get her killed in the process of collecting it, which is what all of Whiterun's citizenry desire. On the way there, Frankie Boyle decided to stop at Riverwood for no good reason other than the Belethor creeped her out, and she had found out in a strange dream that she would be chased to her death by all of Whiterun should she kill him. The afternoon was bleak, with rain pouring upon the grassy paths leading to The Riverwood Trader. As she reached the door, Frankie Boyle could clearly hear an argument from within. Upon entering, she was met with Lucan and his sister Camilla bickering about a certain 'golden claw'. Midway through the argument, Lucan noticed Frankie Boyle squatting in the middle of the room, just by the door. "What are you doi- oh, nevermind. A customer. Sorry you had to hear that. The Riverwood Trader is still open for business, should you want to buy anything."  
"ADVENTURE?" Frankie Boyle jumped on top of the counter and pressed her forehead to Lucan's.  
"Uhm. Yes, I suppose. We did have a bit of a break in. Robbers only took one thing, an ornament. Solid gold, in the shape of a dragon's claw."  
"CLAW ADVENTURE. I'll help you get the claw back."  
"You don't look like much... oh, whatever. You clearly aren't here to make me any money so sure, go ahead. It's in Bleak Falls Barrow."  
"Seriously? I'm going there like RIGHT NOW on a mission for destroying the slugs."  
"The wha- oh, I give up. Have fun. I'll give you some money if you bring it back. Since you won't be coming back alive, I'll be using the gold to hire a decent hitman." Camilla chimed in at this point.  
"I'll take her to the edge of town. She looks like she has absolutely no idea where she's going." Some time later, after enduring about five minutes of Camilla's incessant babbling, the two reached the bridge leading into the mountains. "The north-wast path leads to Bleak Falls Barrow. Try not to get killed." With that, Camilla rushed back inside to avoid the stormy weather, and our hero carried on alone.

Soaked to the bone and aching with Rockjoint, Frankie Boyle reached Bleak Falls Barrow. A huge ruin framed by stone arches, it seemed too extravagant and obvious to be an Arse Bandit lair. Regardless, it was cold and she could swear that she was hearing scary music in her ears, our hero entered through the extravagantly carved iron doors. As soon as she entered she overheard voices, and could tell from the clothes that they were Arse Bandits. Oddly enough, they didn't hear the massive doors clanking open and shut, so Frankie Boyle squatted and snuck towards the pillar directly in front of her, bow drawn. Two dead Arse Bandits and one lockpicked chest later, she dropped herself by the fire in order to take in her surroundings. There were two previously slain Arse Bandits spread across the gigantic hall, along with several dead rat-like creatures called skeevers. Frankie Boyle assumed that they were the 'strange things infesting the tombs' that Camilla was talking about. Deciding that she was safe, our hero took a quick nap before continuing. The caverns were overgrown with moss and plantlife, large blocks of stone and rubble taking up parts of what once was a corridor. At the end of the hallway, Frankie Boyle was met with a large room, with a lever in the middle that was clearly keeping a gate locked. Directly above the locked gate were two wall carvings, with a third lying on the floor in a pile of rubble, decayed to the point of falling off the wall. On the left of the room were three pillars, each of which bore a symbol similar to the wall carvings, only they could be moved. It was a puzzle. _Wait wait I hate puzzles what are PUZZLES doing in here? I just want to kill things! _After a painful hour, Frankie Boyle finally managed to get the correct combination by means of another dream in which she used a helpful magical scroll called Google to find the answer. Descending a flight of stairs, and slaying some skeevers along the way, she heard another voice. A man, calling out for his comrades. "They're dead, stupid!" Frankie Boyle yelled out, and carried on walking towards the voice, hoping that he would know where the claw or the stone was. She was met with what appeared to be a wall of web. _Spiders, ew. _Unsheathing her newly acquired warhammer, our hero cut through the barrier with two strokes. _Oh god oh god oh god WHAT IS THAT WHY DID I HAVE TO BE CURIOUS I WANT TO GO HOME. _After a few daydreams of dying horribly by not paying attention to the fact that she was poisoned, Frankie Boyle slammed her blade into the spider's eyes, and moved to aid the source of the voice; an elf who had become trapped in a web. "Where's the golden claw?" She asked, sheathing her warhammer.  
"I'm trapped in a web of spidery death, why would I tell you? Cut me down!" She did so, but accidentally cut his throat in the process. _Whoops... _Rather than cry over spilt milk, she searched his body. And found the claw. _Oh well. He had an annoying voice anyway. _On the bottom of the claw were three distinct markings; a horse, a fish, and a door handle. _I bet that's a puzzle. Great. _As she was walking, our hero noticed bodies lying in indentations in the stone walls. Arse Bandits taking a nap, perhaps? Intending to query them, Frankie Boyle prodded them with her weapon, only to leap back in terror at the wide, blue eyes of the skeletal figure that faced her, gargling and drooling. _OH GOD IT'S A ONE DIRECTION FAN! _The One Direction Fan lunged for her, but wasn't quick enough. She had stabbed it with the edge of her hammer, and it slumped to the floor. Following the corridors and bashing in the heads of more One Direction fans, Frankie Boyle stumbled upon a gate, leading to a cave below the, well, below. _Hey, are those mushrooms? I'm pretty hungry. _The cave turned purple. The water into owls. And Frankie Boyle's feet disappeared. _Holy... THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED! IT'S OKAY ONE DIRECTION FAN, I WILL EXORCISE YOU! _By exorcise, Frankie Boyle meant splatter all over the cave walls by means of warhammer. Eventually, she stumbled upon a wooden door. _Bleak Falls Barrow... Sanctum. _The white words were back in her eyesight, as was a strange rectangle with an arrow in the middle. Against her better judgement, Frankie Boyle pushed the door open, hoping for a glass of milk on the other side. Obviously, there were just more caverns. And another door, which led to a long, important looking room. _Puzzle. I guess that's what the claw's for. Let's see... A hankerchief, a teacup and a pair of shoes. Not a problem. _Yes, the puzzle was easy. But opening the door itself was an entirely different matter. First she tried headbutting it, then bashing it with her warhammer. It was only after she broke a candlestick by trying to shove it in one of the three holes that she figured the true use of the golden claw, and even then she took 3 tries before figuring out that she had it upside down. And that it was bright pink, not gold. Lucan was an idiot who was probably under the influence of drugs, she concluded.

The end of the cavern revealed a gloriously huge room, with a curved area of stone in the middle of the water. On it was a huge sign that said "HEY, THIS MIGHT BE USEFUL LATER. JUST A HINT. COME GET ME." _Oh my God... I'm so drawn to it. It's like I was born for this! _"YES, THAT'S IT! COME ON, COME GET IT. IT'S TOTALLY WORTH YOUR WHILE." The sign had sprouted wings and was beginning to set off fireworks. Frankie Boyle grew ever closer, until she reached the wall. Shards of light exited the wall and flew into her body, filling her entire subconscious with the word "Pus." She turned around, to be met with the overlord of One Direction fans. It shouted, "I AM NIALL'S GIRLFRIEND!" and sprinted towards Frankie Boyle, who kicked her in the ovaries and slammed her hammer into the One Direction fan's head. Luckily, the slugstone was enclosed in her hand, and Frankie Boyle took it. _Now. How the Hell do you get out of here? Hey, a cloud! I bet that cloud will take me! Hey, Cloud! _

Riverwood was first. And the effects of the mushrooms were beginning to wear off, as the claw was reverting back to its gold colour. Frankie Boyle shunted her way into the Riverwood Trader, and dropped the claw onto the desk. "I got your stupid claw thing, where's my money?" Lucan was speechless. "Thank you! You've put the claw back where it belongs. Even though I had no idea you'd come back... but sure. Here's your money. I was gonna buy a roll of duct tape so I could keep my stupid sister in the house, but you go ahead and have it."

Dragonsreach followed. The guards and nobles stared, dumbfounded at the fact that that stupid Nord had returned. "Hey, Farengar. Got your stupid slugstone. Give me money or something."  
"Nope. Got another quest for you. Come back tomorrow when I've shoved this stone up my ass a few times."


	5. Dragon Rising

_Dragon Rising_

"Farengar!" Irileth burst in, brandishing her weapon. "The Jarl needs to see you immediately." She turned to Frankie Boyle. "You come too. We've tried to kill you twice already, maybe a dragon'll get you for good."  
"You mean slug."  
"I hate everything about my life. Let's go." They ascended the stairs to the door just outside the Jarl's quarters, where Balgruuf was addressing one of the oranges. "Tell me what you told Irileth." Frankie Boyle zoned out at this point, having a very fantastical fantasy about all of the people in the room being dressed as fruit. Irileth would be a blueberry. Balgruuf would be a mango, and Frankie Boyle would be... "AVOCADO!" Three heads turned to her.  
"What."  
"Nothing. Let's go kill a dragon." No one objected, and Frankie Boyle followed Irileth out of the castle, and towards the city walls, where the rest of the city orange was anxiously waiting outside the barracks. "You! You stupid little cowards! You scared of a dragon? Good! Because I feed off of your fear – uh, I mean, we must drive this beast away from our home! Are you with me! If you say no, I'll snap you all in half with my forehead!" The guards all nodded in a forced agreement, and Irileth smiled. "Good. Now, off we go. Oh, and this is the moron we aren't allowed to kill," she gestured to Frankie Boyle, "Let the dragon get her first."  
"Aye!" The oranges were much more enthusiastic this time, raising their shields. The group marched to the nearby watch tower, engulfed in ominous black smoke. Frankie Boyle could barely hear a voice yelling from within, and followed it until she reached an orange babbling nonsense about his friend being taken, and how they had to leave at once. "Kynareth save us!" he yelled out suddenly, "Here he comes again!" His cry was drowned out by the terrifying screech of a slug, not quite as fabulously dressed as the one Frankie Boyle had met at Helgen, but still wearing an array of sparkly bracelets and a blonde wig. Spouting fire from its mouth, the slug landed on the grass and began to promptly file its nails. Frankie Boyle saw this as her chance, and threw herself onto the slug's head, slamming her warhammer into its head again, again, until she was sure it was dead, with a strange cry of "Dovahkiin! No!" escaping its throat. Astonished, Irileth and the oranges stood agape, and Irileth could be heard telling them to move back as the slug began to disintegrate with the same strange light Frankie Boyle had encountered in Bleak Falls Barrow. The light filled her very soul, powerful magic coursing through her veins. When it was over, she turned around to ensure that everyone else had noticed the fact that she'd just absorbed a dragon. Just in case they weren't looking or something. They were, thankfully, as an orange excitedly ran up to her and said, "I can't believe it! You're Dragonborn!" Irileth's mouth fell open.  
"Oh, God..."


	6. In My Time of Need

_In My Time of Need_

Just as Frankie Boyle returned from killing the slug, she was met with a couple of Redguards in the middle of a heated discussion with an orange. As she walked past, the leader stopped them. "Seen a reguard woman?"  
"Nope. I saw a slug though, it was big and apparently I'm Dragonborn but that's impossible 'cause my mother was a Nord and my father was a Nord and I don't speak Dragon I speak slug and-"  
"-Uhm. Just come to Rorikstead if you find one. Don't care who she is, just find a Redguard." Frankie Boyle _did _know a Redguard. Saadia, who worked in The Bannered Mare. She found Saadia as soon as she entered, wearing a large had that said "I am ambiguously evil" on it in large letters. "Hey, Saadia. Couple of men are looking for you." Her eyes widened.  
"Come with me. I need to speak with you privately." Frankie Boyle followed her, paying attention to the LED pattern on her back, reading "DO NOT FOLLOW SHE WILL STAB YOU" in large letters, flashing red and blue. Without warning, she drew a blade. "Hey! You weren't meant to do that!"  
"Shut up. The Alik'r are after me because I'm an asshole. Kill them or something. Bye." With that, she cackled, and summoned a band a flying monkeys in a puff of smoke, which whisked her from the building. _Wow, what a nice girl! _Frankie Boyle knew that she couldn't take on the Alik'r alone, and The Companions were not yet acquainted enough to go with her. But she did know someone who was...

"LYDIA." The housecarl coughed on the hit she was in the middle of taking from her new "Medieval-Ghetto-Stylee" bong, surprised by the fact that her Thane was actually entering the house.  
"STUFF IS TOTALLY HAPPENING! COME WITH ME AND MAYBE YOU'LL ONLY DIE TWICE."  
"Whatever, man, as long as I can light up first, it's damn cold out there." Frankie Boyle and her unwilling housecarl made their way to Whiterun's prisons, where a prisoner of the Alik'r was awaiting his fate. "I need to find Kematu. Where is he?"  
"Are you stupid? He'll kill you."  
"Lies. No one can kill me, that only ever happens in my strange daydreams. What do I have to do to get you to tell me?"  
"Get me out, I'm leaving the Alik'r, they're assholes."  
"Okay. Give me like, two seconds." Frankie Boyle made her way towards the nearest Orange, who laughed at her.  
"You want to try and persuade me to let that guy go? Please."  
"I AM THE ALMIGHTY SLUGBORN, I WILL – UH, Lydia, what do Slugborns do?" Lydia shrugged nonchalantly.  
"Set him on fire or something," She sighed, sitting herself down and producing a roach from her satchel.  
"YEAH! I'LL SET YOU ON FIRE!" The Orange glared at Lydia, who was giggling at herself. "Fine, fine. I'll let him out. Just don't come back in here, okay?" Frankie Boyle skipped back to the prisoner, followed by Lydia, who was beginning to stumble.  
"I totally paid your fine."  
"Swindler's Den."  
"COME ON, LYIDA! ADVENTURE!"

The journey to Swindler's Den consisted of pouring rain and almost impenetrable darkness, but Frankie Boyle persevered, much to Lydia's irritation. She was on to her sixth blunt now, having remembered to buy extra supplies while her Thane was staring blankly into the sky, something she apparently did often. The duo came across a ruined cottage, which a deer was circling. Frankie Boyle drew her bow, and Lydia watched as intently as she possibly could in her intoxicated state as three Frankie Boyles knelt, before shouting, "LYDIA! A DEER!"  
"My Thane, you're totally gonna scare it off if you keep yelling at it," She slurred, but surprisingly the deer hadn't moved, and Frankie Boyle shot it through the neck. As the deer slumped to the ground and the two trudged towards it, Lydia wondered how such an imbecile could be a good shot. Perhaps she had an aim spell, or something. Who knew? Lydia didn't want to. It was still night when Lydia and Frankie Boyle reached Swindler's Den; a large keep with what appeared to be archers pin-pointed around the perimeter. Drawing her bow again, Frankie Boyle began shooting at the shadow directly above the gate. Three arrows later, it still stood. "IT WON'T DIE, LYDIA! THEY'RE IMMORTAL!"  
"No, my Thane, it's just a dummy. Besides, this isn't even Swindler's Den, can't you see the sign?" Lydia directed Frankie Boyle's head until she caught sight of the large, flashing sign that said 'Welcome to Fort Greymoor! We can't wait to count out your coin!'  
"Oh." And thus, the two were on their way again.

The real Swindler's Den is much less extravagant. A cave entrance hidden by the grassy mountains, and made visible only by a faded orange flag. Glancing at Lydia, who was now gripping the cave's wall for support, Frankie Boyle entered. The two silently navigate the natural caverns, killing and looting as they go, until they reach what appears to be a flooded area of the cave. The two swim, and as they get closer to a small waterfall leading to a wooden ramp, Frankie Boyle readies herself for combat. "Alik'r, hold! You've proven yourself, warrior. Let us spare any more bloodshed." As Frankie Boyle and Lydia make their way up the gangway, they take in the seven sturdy warriors before them. They are way outnumbered. Apprehensively, she sheathes her bow and nods at the leader, clearly Kematu. "I'm here about Saadia."  
"She's a trai-"  
"Okay, I believe you. What do you want me to do? Will you pay me?"  
"Sure, why not. She trusts you, so make her think we're coming."  
"But... you are coming." Kematu's mouth hardens. Is it possible for anyone to be this stupid?  
"Yes. So, you're honesty won't be trashed. Or something."  
Whatever. See you outside Whiterun. LYDIA, ADVENTURE IS OVER GO HOME." At this point, Lydia falls flat on her face.

When Frankie Boyle found Saadia, she was in her room, chugging human blood from a "Best Evil Villainess" mug. "Saadia! The Alik'r are totally after you and stuff!"  
"I thought they weren't allowed within the city!" She yells out, standing abruptly.  
"NO I'M NOT LYING AT ALL THEY'RE COMING!"  
"...What?"  
"Nothing. They're coming for you, I've got a horse ready at the stables, come with me."  
"Is the horse black with red eyes?"  
"Sure." Frankie Boyle led Saadia, after waiting for her to catch up at the gates for two hours, to the stable. She noticed Kematu standing behind one of the stable doors. Subtly, Frankie Boyle threw both of her hands up in the air and shouted "I'VE GOT HER, STAY VERY QUIET!" Kematu pinched his nose and groaned. He stepped out into the dusk. "Hey, Saadia, look, a mind-controlling device!" Saadia's head snapped up, and was met with a beam of green light which left her lying stiff and frozen on the grass. "Here's your money, bye." Frankie Boyle stared at him.  
"500?" She took out her hammer, and slammed it into his chest. "Not so hard, Lydia and I could have taken his stupid guards. My daydreams are lies."


End file.
